You Know You've Attained Dispensationalist Divine Status When:
1. You believe the Day of Pentecost refers to the birthday of
2. Your Pastoral Search commitee only looks at candidates from:
3. You consider your children to be an "intercalation" in your marriage.
4. When people tell you Lewis is thier favorite Christian author, you think
not
5. No matter how many member states the EU adds, you can still make it work eschatologically as the
6. You've stopped praying imprecatory Psalms over
(Not because you've forgiven them for falling away from the pure faith, but because the psalms were from another dispensation and not valid for today.)
7. Someone asks for your opinion on Bible versions.
They're thinking:
You're thinking:
8. You took down your
poster to make wallspace for
9. You recognize these people who's names your convinced have been blotted out of the Lamb's Book of Life:
Darrell
Craig
Kenneth
Robert
C.
10. As long as you can remember you've
a.(men) had a crush on:
b.(women) been jealous of:
11. Your constantly fiddling with the heirarchy of your "probable anti-christ" refrigerator magnet set:
12. Your plumber tells you your pipes are slightly leaky but the corrosion is barely progressive, even so, at that moment, you would willingly trade your house for
13. Your home page is set to
14. You wish your non-dispensationist friends would stop using the term "eisegesis" to describe what is clearly the "normal" and "plain" hermeneutic of Scripture.
15. This is on your car
16. You've been lobbying this pen company for years to add 2 more colors
17. Jack Chick designs your Christmas Cards.
18. You decide to return your
since it doesn't keep times, time and half a time.
19. You feel guilty because you know you should be reading
but always wind up reading
20. You think Alva is a great name for a kid today.
2. Your Pastoral Search commitee only looks at candidates from:
3. You consider your children to be an "intercalation" in your marriage.
4. When people tell you Lewis is thier favorite Christian author, you think
5. No matter how many member states the EU adds, you can still make it work eschatologically as the
6. You've stopped praying imprecatory Psalms over
(Not because you've forgiven them for falling away from the pure faith, but because the psalms were from another dispensation and not valid for today.)
7. Someone asks for your opinion on Bible versions.
They're thinking:
You're thinking:
8. You took down your
poster to make wallspace for
9. You recognize these people who's names your convinced have been blotted out of the Lamb's Book of Life:
Darrell
Craig
Kenneth
Robert
C.
10. As long as you can remember you've
11. Your constantly fiddling with the heirarchy of your "probable anti-christ" refrigerator magnet set:
12. Your plumber tells you your pipes are slightly leaky but the corrosion is barely progressive, even so, at that moment, you would willingly trade your house for
13. Your home page is set to
14. You wish your non-dispensationist friends would stop using the term "eisegesis" to describe what is clearly the "normal" and "plain" hermeneutic of Scripture.
15. This is on your car
16. You've been lobbying this pen company for years to add 2 more colors
17. Jack Chick designs your Christmas Cards.
18. You decide to return your
since it doesn't keep times, time and half a time.
19. You feel guilty because you know you should be reading
but always wind up reading
20. You think Alva is a great name for a kid today.
posted by marc at 12/19/2005 03:09:00 PM
65 Pleas:
Is that third poster dispensational? It looks like some weird kind of historicist to me.
Truly funny.
Oh, and how can you do all this and not have a bona fide Larkin?
Like this one?
Charles,
Of course you're right about the Larkin. I had it in my upload folder but for some reason it didn't make it on the post. Situation rectified.
I'm hooked. I never want to leave Purgatorio ... oops, I think I just hermenuticised myself another dispensation. LOL
Marc,
Be careful! They might label you as the anti-Christ and try to give you a mortal wound (Rev 13:3)...
This is good.
#6 is classic.
Some dispys don't believe in praying the Lord's Prayer.
Marc,
I guess I'm not as dispensational as I thought I was ... I had no idea those 5 names:
Darrell
Craig
Kenneth
Robert
C.
were blotted out of the book of life!
When can we expect a photo-essay on covenant theology? ;-)
Great post!
Shawn, my common book of prayer is the Psalms and I teach my kids to pattern their prayer life after the "Our Father." The real Lord's prayer is John 17. ;-)
... so I guess I'm not as dispensational as I thought!
John,
Cool. By the way if you think I'm a hyper dude, I guess I won't go as far as my pastor does in calling dispensationalism the scourge upon american evangelicalism in personal conversations with him.
I like friends from various background as much as anyone, but still young enough in studying theology that I get shocked much quicker than the average.
Oh what I've been spared! I know the theology so recognise the charts etc but happily most of this is in a different world to me. Or perhaps just a different dispensation so we're not relating in the same way ;-) I just don't get how it would be the 'plain teaching of Scripture' without the interpretation of the Scofield notes. But perhaps from my side I'm being influenced by the interpretation of my grandpa's Momentous Event. Which I will not link to because Marc doesn't like comment links I think :)
What is it about the dispensational love for comic books. (Chick tracks, and larkin charts)
Doug
John,
Of course the joke there would be those guys are all dispensationists, but of the progressive camp, ergo to a TD (Truly Dispensational) they would be in error.
As to the covenant thing, they just aren't as humorous as dispensationalists, but I'll work on it it just for you ;-).
Doug E.,
I lke a good comic book myself, and you can't beat a Track that has someone's face melting off in hell as an effective witnessing tool.
an alva j mcclain sighting!
i thought only us grace grads knew about him!!!!!!
I didn't know Dr. Laura was a dispensationalist!
Amen to that!
hk,
I bet if you really tried you could sneak a third Zane Hodges book into your avatar...
I think that Oprah should be added to the refridgerator! She has way too much influence over people.--Dirk
Marc,
You've done it again! Great stuff! BTW, where do we get the avatars featuring books by Zane Hodges? They seem to be all the rage.
Thanks Steve! I'm sure Antonio could hook you up.
Dirk, I should have thought of that, that would have been hilarious.
I know someone who sort of believes Oprah is the anti-Christ...
I'm not sure how metaphorically he means that...
I can't believe how funny I found this. Great work!
Let me just say as the very first graduate of Chafer Theological Seminary (no lie...Master of Biblical Sciences), this was hilarious!
I was never as dispensational as they taught, and my leanings were much more towards "Lorship" than "Free Grace!"
My first read through the Bible was Scofield. I had no idea it was controversial until I entered the blogosphere! I found his commentary very helpful. I also like Ryrie!! Same goes for him ... I had no idea he was despised by anyone. Interesting the diversity in Christianity. Divisions within the dispensation. ;~)
(note: I don't care for Rexella and Jack's program at all! What does this mean?) :~)
Those dispensational charts make me laugh. Yes, you too can reconstruct the Bible using this simple circuit diagram! Just send your gift of $19.95 to Jack Van Impe Ministries! ...Or maybe the hidden keys to building a Hyperdrive and a Heisenberg Compensator are somewhere in there.
Marc, another exceptional post. BTW, #1 is my next-door neighbor.
Never mind Rexella, I still have a crush on Jack. What is it with those comb-overs?
*swoon*
And I thought I was Dispensational.
But then, I am Post-Trib and hate Left-Behind.
I spend too much time reading J.N. Darby to have time for most of those guys.
But I do carry a Scofield Bible when I go out preaching. Mainly to wind up my Reformed friends.
Every Blessing in Christ
Matthew
oh man, you made these two old former plymouth brethren snort coffee out our noses this morning - thank you! that was hysterical!
Rose,
Despised is a very strong word and probably untrue. I don't believe that is true.
It's more like disagreeing with someone theologically. Yes we can be too disagreeable as believers, but hey that's why we should continue to pray for our friends and at the same time sharpen one another.
marc ... the red heifer is priceless ... and why was your name left off the fridge?
I enjoyed the list. I enjoyed the sniggering about how stupid all those dimwit, comic-book-loving, anti-Lordship Dispensationalists are less.
If "Reformed" folks consistently applied the grammatico-historical hermeneutic to all of Scripture, they'd be some kind of Dispensationalists. Equally, if "Dispensationalists" consistently applied the grammatico-historical hermeneutic to all of Scripture, they'd be some kind of Reformed.
And one more thing: rejection of the Lordship of Christ is no more integral to Dispensationalism than Campingite date-setting and church-rejection is to Reformed thought (as I've observed elsewhere).
If Marc does not mind my saying so:
Djp, I am not sure I agree with you.
I think Lordship-Salvation accepting Dispensationalism seems to be an odd mix of two very different theologies. Those who argue for Lordship Salvation seem inclined to think of salvation as a Covenant relationship. This is completely antithetical to Dispensatioanlism. It brings the Church down to an earthly level when it is heavenly in nature.
The concept of Lordship salvation removes all force from the idea of a Dispensation of Grace.
Every Blessing in Christ
DJP,
I'm not sure if I ever seen you comment on my blog before. Thanks for your participation. A couple of things:
1. Please don't put links in your comments with out checking with me first.
2. We try to avoid name calling here (stupid, dimwit etc). If you have something to say, say it, but unless you've been around this blog for awhile and understand the tone of the posts and comments, its best to avoid the extreme hyperbole (leave that to me ;-)).
Thanks again for commenting.
I could not disagree more strenuously, dysprax, and I'm afraid it's remarks like that which prevent Reformed folks from taking Dispensationalism as seriously as they should. If Dispensationalism has a beauty, it is that it grows out of grammatico-historical exegesis, rather than taking an extra-Biblical concept and forcing it upon Scripture -- which is precisely what you are doing.
If the New Testament gospel urges people to believe in Christ in all His fullness and glory, with a faith that necessarily produces repentance and submission, and without trying to get in on some lame installment plan -- and it does (i.e. Colossians 2:6-7) -- then THAT is what the dispensation of grace entails. I don't know what the dispensation of grace is apart from what the Bible says it is, and the grace the Bible affirms is a grace that enables and necessarily entails holiness of life (Titus 2:11-14).
What God has joined together, neither dispensationalist nor covenentationalist should try to sunder.
Hi Marc,
Sorry. I was going to comment how much I loved the obsessive Calvinist thread on that thread, but guess I didn't, since it was so long already. But I did mail the link to a couple of dozen friends.
As to the other, I thought it was crystal-clear that I wrote as a Dispensationalist who felt the previous remarks were insinuating that I and my ilk are comic-book-loving dimwits. I certainly am not calling anyone those names. Sorry if that was not clear to you or anyone else.
No problem DJP. Good contributions to the thread so far.
Wow... good find on C. Marvin Pate. He was a prof of mine at Moody (so yes, I am PROGRESSIVE!!!!!). Great post marc, keep em coming!
My bumper sticker reads: "In case of rapture, this car will be parked along the side of the road while its driver reconsiders his postmillennial eschatological leanings."
(I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Bible professors at Northwestern College for my current aversion to dispensationalism!)
I think we were in some of the same classes Lee. ;-)
Did you take Revelation with DKJ?
By the way, who is the lady pictured in #10?
Friends,
I noticed we all had a laugh with the calvinists last time. Why does it feel like we aren't laughing as much this time. bummer.
Has marc not gotten to the funny parts of it?? I think it was funny a bit.
lee,
now that was funny.
I didn't take Revelation, but I had DKJ for OT and NT Survey.
By the way, Marc, what is the "theme core" of this post? ;-)
Shawn says:
I noticed we all had a laugh with the calvinists last time. Why does it feel like we aren't laughing as much this time.
Maybe it is because when you are laughing at yourself ... that is funnier. What do you think, Marc? :~)
The Emergents laughed, The Calvinists Laughed, are you trying to suggest dispensationists don't have a sense of humor? That can't be it... perhaps the age of humor was a past dispensation and its simply not allowed during the Church age?
Sled,
Quit pretending you don't know that's Rexella Van Impe!
the lewis one:When people tell you Lewis is their favorite Christian author, you think... LSC not CS Lewis
made me laugh outloud which is hard to do because i am very serious guy
Marc,
I and J. Wendell chuckled. (at that which we got) ... you know I have no sense of humor. :~)
Perhaps you don't have as many Dispys reading this post, and so that is why Shawn doesn't hear the laughter - because it lacks the "laughing at yourself" element - that is all I meant. (actually, I don't think there are a lot of dispy bloggers, we're a minority)
... now maybe I should make that award you suggested ... ;~)
Rose,
Lets give a few more a chance to come out of the woodwork and see what happens. If we have Plymouth Bretheren and Chafer grads cracking up, I think we're on the right track. Also, let me know the ones you don'[t get and I'll explain them. Some are pretty esoteric, but those ones tend to mean moreto the few that get them.
Scottyb,
Are you serious?
I remember reading a quote in a text at Bible college that said:
"Dispensationalism: You either swear by it, or swear AT it."
@%#$&!!
But Marc, you out-did yourself in helping me uncover many suppressed childhood memories!
Now I need to find the local chapter of "Dispensationalists Anonymous"...
17. Jack Chick designs your Christmas Cards.
YIKES!!!! That's Scary! :-)
Another funny one, you seem to out do yourself each time.
I am wondering if God will require all ammillenialists (and postmillienialists) to take a remedial course on eschatology at the hands of L.S. Chafer and John Walvoord in the kingdom, to get up to speed...
Antonio
May I make a confession? I'm not an especially theologically dogmatic person. Maybe that's why my "handle" here has no link to any active blog of my own. To the extent a particular theological point has an effect on how I actually live my life, I'm interested. But, to be honest, the finer points of eschatology rarely have that effect for me. I think the Bible tells me clear enough how I ought to live and trust God, through tribulation great, small or, not at all. I don't wish to mock dispensationalists. I have minimal difficulty with anyone who believes the various ways in which God revealed himself to his people over time amounts to a distinct set of stages or "dispensations". I have a great deal of difficulty with people who talk like the main point of Biblical study is to dig out a hidden formula. As if scripture were a Sunday crossword. The tendency for some dispensationalists to lean in this direction does bother me. Ultimately, we live to glorify God and make much of Him, not to figure Him out right down to his date book. Because of exposure to Christian media I had when I was younger, I spent years under the impression that "The Rapture" was a settled piece of Christian doctrine. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why good Christians had to believe things like that on such slim evidence. I felt badly for not quite buying it. I think the Bible is best taken at face value, and if it doesn't explicitly spell out whether dogs go to heaven (or just horses), that doesn't mean that the fact merely remains to be revealed to the seer, via an amalgamation of Daniel 8, Revelation 13, and something Rexella read on CNN.com.
Antonio,
I am looking forward to heaven, but I already took my remedial eschatology course at Northwestern College with Lee. I will, however enjoy the laughs we will all have about how right we thought we were about our pet theologies.
The new attack buzz word:
"pet theology"
PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT!
the pejorative nature...
the shame of being charged with one...
the "ouch" factor!
If anyone disagrees with your doctrine, a very good rhetorical device is to call their beliefs:
"pet theology"
how diminuitive
how very unfortunate to merely hold one
As if care in exposition and methodological approach to the Scriptures is merely fanciful; and the truths gleaned kept for pleasure and vanity.
I take great offense, now that you know, to such an insistence.
Any charge to such remains but an unsubstantiated claim to folly. And such judgements ought to be made with full possession of the knowledge that with what measure one metes out his judicial and whimsical pronouncements it shall be meted back at the judgement seat of Christ.
I dont have a pet theology, because I hate animals. They are just too dirty for my liking.
God Bless
I'm guessing Antonio read "our pet theologies" as "your pet theology"
This dispy is dying! Good humor!
um... how come it is so easy to be dispensationalist when talking to a dispensationalist and covenantal when talking to a covenantalist? Does all of this escatological language confuse anyone else?
Loved the Calvinist post earlier. I guess it is easier to laugh at what you understand (and are) but... I guess I am not as progressive as I thought!
SDG
Wildeman said: "I have a great deal of difficulty with people who talk like the main point of Biblical study is to dig out a hidden formula. As if scripture were a Sunday crossword."
I have a sneaking suspicion that The Bible Code isn't part of your regular devotional reading. :-)
Stephen,
Progressive!?! That isn't even Dispensationalism, no wonder your confused! ;-)
I'd just like to say that I think my anti-dispy friend Lee's faith is in enough of the right places that, even if the rapture does happen (to our mutual surprise), you'd still better not be tailgating his car.
Hmm...John MacArthur is big on Lordship salvation and he's a self-professed "leaky dispensationalist." So at least I'm in good company :D
You just had to finish with Alva didn't you...I work for and attend Grace Theological Seminary and am decidedly not dispensational. Great post though.
So What exactly is wrong with the Inspired Scofield? Aside from the confusion on the point of Bible Versions and sensing a slight 'dig' at Scofield and Ryrie and not quite understanding this it was a good laugh.
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