Help! I'm Going Hyper!
25 warning signs that you might be obsessing about Calvinism:
1. For romantic occasions, you prefer to give/get
2. You hear some people talking about the new Johnny C. movie and you instantly think
3. You leave your Conservative Reformed Baptist Congregation to start a house church after hearing the Pastor use the word "Choose" in a sermon.
4. You have a picture of
5. You know what a "remonstrant" is.
6. You used to love this guy, but these CDs are now in your "Do Not Play Until God Grants Them Repentance" box:
7. Without me giving last names, you still know who I'm referring to:
John
John
John
John
John
Jonathan
John
John
John
8. Whenever you try to persuade people about the "Doctrines of Grace" all they hear is a
9. When people tell you they're "Four Pointers" you already know they are stuck on the
10. Every book you read is endorsed by:
11. You've seen this avatar repeatedly in the comment section on your blog:
12. Your yearly personal Bible-verse memory program consists of Romans 9, again.
13. Someone tells you they go to
14. You attach an extra "Lord Willing" onto your original "Lord Willing" just in case.
15. The word "Puritan" appears as a required character trait in your profile on
16. You've vacationed at
17. You hear a news story about some criminals being "reformed" and your first thought is to wonder how many criminals are arminians.
18. Your browser's home page is set to the
19. On at least 4 different blogs, you end up in extended wars with arminians arguing about God's Sovereignty. Your final comment always being a variation of
20. Over 75% of your personal library is published by
21. No matter what conference you go to one or more or all of these guys is/are speaking:
22. You've washed your little kid's mouth out with soap for saying "iMonk"
23. You're looking under your big kid's bed and find
and you are way more upset then the time you found
24. All your kids can recite
25. You've just deleted PURGATORIO from you Blogroll
posted by marc at 12/12/2005 09:12:00 AM
118 Pleas:
There is enough to comment on here to last for days.
I've often wondered how J.I. Packer has the time to read all the books that he endorces or writes the forward to. And how much does he get paid for each one? Even if it is $10 each, he is a millionaire!
I'm thankful. How would we know which books are Reformed/Biblical without him?
Hilarious.
Here's one more...
26. One of the factors you consider when choosing a church is its emphasis on the Five Points of Calvinism. ;-)
Ha! I love it!
Priceless
ohmygoodness this is awesome!!! How do you know so much about me??
You just keep getting better and better.
Yet another site that I cannot read while having a coke.
this calvinist is laughing....(and you won't be deleted from our favorites list!)
I like the Free Grace Antonio avatar.
And I don't end my debates with read the Bible or I'm praying for you. I generally just consign anyone who disagrees with me to hell.
:-)
I had been wondering for a while why Antonio never visited my blog. He started visiting recently. Its good to see his avatar there.
Presumably that does not mean I am turning Calvinist.
I shouldn't be surprised, you were fore-ordained to do something like this.
Great post, Marc! I have seen the Free Grace Avatar a lot, but I KNOW I am not turning Calvinist!
22. You've washed your little kid's mouth out with soap for saying "iMonk"
You've been talk'n to my kids, haven't you!
MJB
The Armoury
I should have read Jim in the comments first. I hate carbonation in my sinus cavity!
That was amazinly funny. The sad part was that got every joke.
Doug
[Delete]...jk
I'll pray for you Marc, and that's all I have to say on that matter.
I am paid to bring more traffic to Calvinist blogs.
Hey, where's my royalties?
man. I am reformed, but this is one of the funniest things i've read in a while. Especially the list of Johns.
The check is in the mail Antonio...
Those in fact do indicate genuine obsession with Calvinism ; )
LOL, this is your best 'montage' yet.
Marc,
Don't hide it... I know that you have my Calvinist Gadfly blog as your browser's home page. Recognizing the obsession is the first step to being cured... hehe
That last speaker looks like Paul McCartney. I didn't know he was a Calvinist.
You got three of the Johns out of order.
I'm making progress Alan, you are no longer my homepage but simply in My Favorites.
David,
The fact that you'd even assume there was an order speaks volumes... seek help my friend ;-}
By the way... What was Derek Webb think as he wrote his new album anyway?
Doug
Ah, I ducked quite a few of these just by being from t'other side o the pond, where they don't apply, Marc!
And as when I think of M.Jean Calvin I think in a French pronunciation, "Jonny C" was never going to do it for me, sadly. And I'm only 2/3 of the way through the good ol' Shorter Catechism.
Did anyone else spot the mistake on the Bethlehem Baptist Lee linked to above? It says that the questions it quotes are from different 'great old catechisms' but they're both from the Westminster Shorter. And no, that doesn't show I'm obsessed with Calvinism, merely that I'm overly pedantic.
Oh Marc, you're not going hyper anyway - not logical enough: you can't have a library of BOT/SDG AND have every book endorsed by Packer. He hasn't done so many of them.
Justin - you don't really think Packer reads em all?? *hahaha, hehehe, ... hahahahaha!*
[Sorry, recovering.]
After one has been in the book business/world a while, you read the contents page, skim through the first chapter (not all if it's long) and the last chapter (ditto) and any possibly interesting bits (key expositions, contraversial bits etc) flagged up by the contents page. In fact, a good bookseller I know, knowing the theological context of author and book frequently just goes straight to the last chapter. You really don't need to go far into a book to know what it says and recommend it. You need to go slightly further to offer concerns, further still to offer a fair critique, and in order for it to actually do you much good you need to read, chew over, digest and pray through it. Either Packer in his wisdom and familiarity with writing and books does what I described, OR there is a bank of Packer recommendation quotes somewhere which someone is making money selling one at a time to various publishers. I favour the latter ;)
Huh huh... that bald dude under #21 has something stuck up his nose. Huh... .
J.I. Packer endorsed the dreaded R.T. Kendall book "Calvin and English Calvinism to 1649"
So etrangere MUST be right that Dr. Kendall purchased this endorsement...
"Dr. Kendall's exciting study ... is a major step forward in the reappraisal of Puritanism... no student in the Puritan field can excuse himself from reckoning with this important contributition." (J.I. Packer's endorsement of R.T. Kendall's "Calvin and English Calvinism to 1649")
According to this book, John Calvin was not as Calvinistic as his followers!
Antonio
Marc,
This site is really turning into a great alernative to the "You might be a redneck if" websites you can find for Christians?
;-0,
Shawn Lynes
I'd write something witty but I am laughing so hard I can barely make the keys work! I may just print it in next week's bulletin.
Marc,
Could you do your next series on you might be a redneck calvinist if? You know those southern calvinists are of a different breed than us midwestern calvinists.
Marc, this is classic. Definitely ranks among your best.
Shawn,
Are you making fun of me and Moorhead?
Oh man, this is one of the best.
Pretty predictable...
:) funny!
This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen! How do you keep topping yourself?
Marc, that was absolutely a blast to go through. I you can succeed at causing believers from all walks to not take themselves so seriously, to laugh at themselves once in a while, you've accomplished a great feat!
I'm disappointed to find out that, by these criteria, I'm not obsessed with Calvinism. :(
Hilarious stuff--I especially liked #2,7,11,12,17 & 20.
Don't forget about John Murray, John Stott, John Frame, and John Wesley.
...No wait, scratch that last one.
I love it. I think im goint hyper too:)
I'm actually ignorant about the Derek Webb one...
Other than that, it was ingenius. But what's up with Derek Webb?
:)
AWESOME!!!!!!!! I especially like #19!!!!!!!!!!! because Biblical literacy would definately increase the number of Calvinists! Lol I love #13 too!!!!!!I actually met 3 people in #21 (Mohler, Dever, and Begg). Great post. It made this hyperCalvinist (on ridoline) smile.
brilliant. i like the stuck on "L". so true.
ok, I have viewed this post about 4 times now and have been laughing all day long. . . that was great. . . truly hilarious!!!
I'm linking to it...
Hilarious!!! Most five pointers I run across have a picture of this guy on their dart board.
{{{Candleman}}}
WOW...this is one of the funniest things I have ever read!!!! I will have a tulip garden some day though!!! :)
What book hasn't been endorsed by J.I. Packer?
What's a Calvinist? Does he prefer Calvin over Hobbes? :-)
I'm not sure if it is right to be that funny. Please restrain yourself.
Evanmay,
Here is a bit of context for the Derek Webb thing. Some folks thought his reformed theology was slipping a bit on his latest CD.
Here is a link to part 1 of Challies interview with him.
I've only just, on a re-read, spotted your last few words in
14. You attach an extra "Lord Willing" onto your original "Lord Willing" just in case.
That cracked me up. That really cracked me up. Just in case...
Is it only me who's concerned that some people think #19 is actually a good response?
This is a great follow-up on your "You Might Be Emerging If. . . ."
Funny stuff! All much more true of young zealous Calvinists than of seasoned ones, especially those who avoid the Calvinist self-description. ;)
Fabulous! Great start to my morning! LOL
And he left out he left out...
J(ohn) Gresham Machen as well. Unforgivable. ;-}
This was quite entertaining Marc - I am glad to see this effort rewarded with such a generous response.
Hung up on L - so true.
Loved it! Also live it!
Marc, Great stuff. U ought to publish this.
Take care.
wes
All the God's-honest Calvinists use my blog as their home page, becuase they appreciate the finer points of being a mean Calvinist.
I'm just sayin' ...
So I need to know, is Derek Webb no longer a Calvinist? I stopped listening to his music because he was... is it ok to start back?
Centuri0n says:
" ... the finer points of being a mean Calvinist." Is that where they learn it, on your blog? (Just kiddin.)
Marc,
The more I look at this post, the more Calvinist I feel. (not)
But I do like the name John. :~)
Frank,
I used to have your blog as my homepage, but I had to change it because everytime I opened my browser I had this strange urge to buy a t-shirt.
Rose,
Try Reading your bible. That's all I have to say on this matter. I will pray for you. ;-}
The scary thing is that I've met guys whose libraries are literally nothing but SDG and BoT. Thanks for the laugh.
You should have made a contest to see who could name the portrait/press photos without getting any wrong.
I'm reading right now and I still don't feel any more Calvinist. Keep praying.
It is quite amazing how Calvinists think their doctrines are so obviously Scriptural and if they just quote John 6 and Romans 9 us silly Arminians might wake up and become Calvinists.
LOL!
How about:
You know what the last names of Carla, Alan, Frank, Tim, Phil, and Steve are.
I'd include Marc, but that's a different story...
Seriously, I'm going to link you my blog.
Oh, here's another:
You now have to defend yourself if anyone catches you reading anything John Armstrong or Doug Wilson ever wrote.
thanks mariep!
Dys,
you know I'm more worried about your Dispentationalism than your Arminianism ;-)
You know me too well!
Frank, when I click your blog, I think Capitalist, not Calvinist. Of course, I consider that a good thing.
Too True! I'm guilty!
What a marvellous post -- well done!
*giggle*
(found via Kim
*snicker*
John, John, John, John, John, Jonathan, John, John, and John.
It's funny cuz it's true.
Dyspraxic Fundamentalist said...
It is quite amazing how Calvinists think their doctrines are so obviously Scriptural and if they just quote John 6 and Romans 9 us silly Arminians might wake up and become Calvinists.
Ain't it true. If we Calvinists just accepted the fact that to be an Arminian you have to reject scripture. It would ease our desire to convince others of the truth.
Very funny, but did you know Jesus was a Calvinist? That's right, he can call himself that because he is God and can see the future....
just want you to know that i was led to this post . . . and i did not seek it of my own free will.
Tall Skinny Kalvinist?
I only knew some of the jokes...pray for me.
Okay, everyone pray for anonymous. No, not that anonymous, the other one. No not that anonymous either, this anonymous.
This is, hands down, the funniest post I've ever read. Especially as a follow-up to the recent 'You might be Emergent if...' post.
Brilliant!
LOVE this...
still frantically trying to ID all the johns in fear that not knowing them means i'm not as diehard as i'd hoped...
;-)
I don't get the one about Derek Webb? He is reformed...explain please
nice work
LOL! This is hilarious!!!!! :D
Great Post! You know us all too well. I would love some clarification on Derek Webb though. Is it his emphasis on politics and social justice? Peace!
This post is really well done, but sadly, I must admit that I don't recognize the majority of the dudes in the photos, except for J.I. Packer, whom I'm familiar with because he had such affirming things to say about one of the John's I admire: John Wimber (who was also Reformed in his theology).
But maybe I can redeem my lack of hyper-ness by positing this BONUS QUESTION for additional perseverance points:
ready?
(ahem)... Who was the famous 19th-century preacher who declared "Calvinism IS the Gospel"?
tyhdThanks so much for this. These debates are getting so serious, it was time for us to find a way to laugh about it. . . .
Robbie, at least ask a hard bonus question. All calvinists (even the heretical 3 and 4-pointers*) know the answer is Charles Spurgeon.
Oh, and btw, this calvinist will be adding you to the blogroll, not deleting it.
* a joke as well. please do not email me or post a rebuttal on my site because of this comment.
Gosh! I must be one lousy Calvinist! Maybe I'm a three-pointer or something? (I'm going off to some serious introspection)
Pray for me. I think I might be Arminian (or not).
No email or comment rebuttals at your blog, D.R.? You're taking all the fun outta this! :)
I've met my fair share of brothers/sisters in the Lord who refer to three or four pointers as "semi-Pelagians". It's just another way of saying "heretic", of course, but at least it's creative.
Signing off now, of my own free will. :)
i'm a five pointer, but i'm smiling.
one thing i don't get -- #6
what gives with that? derek's as reformed as they come.
dunno why a calvinist would ban him any sooner than a
health-wealth-prosperity-"gospel" guy would.
i'm confused on that one.
Follow the comments and the links on the Derek Webb thing.
i liked it ... does this mean that i wasn't really saved when i read it.
papa g
Well, Calvin being French, he would have spelled his own name "Jean Chauvin" and pronounced it "Zhong show-VANG". (But he would have still supported the Iraq war.)
By the way, compare and contrast with "YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ATTENDING A PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH TOO LONG WHEN..." at http://fathermckenzie.blogspot.com/2005/07/you-know-youve-been-attending.html.
BTW, how about "... if you refuse to fill out your astrological sign on your Blogger profile"...?
Well done... Lucky you didn't write this blog of your own free will but of the will of your father. jokes...
Tom said...
"BTW, how about '... if you refuse to fill out your astrological sign on your Blogger profile'...?"
OH MAN!!!! That's ME!!!!!
amazing....
I'm obviously not a hyper ... got no idea who 'Derek Webb' is .. the rest makes perfect sense :-)
Bob
"... southern calvinists are of a different breed than us midwestern calvinists ..."
I guess that means we Canadian calvinists are liable to be mistaken for Emerging Churchers. Although I have a distinctly non-EC, Presbyterian goatee, so maybe not.
You just hit the top of my blogroll.
I prefer to call it Sovereign Grace, because I am leery of anything that ends in an "ism".
I am embarassed by so many so called "Calvinists"
Excellent post.
Marc, this is hilarious! First you lampoon my current tribe ("emerging"), and now one of my beloved roots! I love it. How long does it take you to execute one of these anyway? Seems like it would take you forever to uncover all these great pics.
...But how many Calvinists would start a house church over anything? Wouldn't that be fighting a minor demon with Satan himself? :)
Paulos said...
"All much more true of young zealous Calvinists than of seasoned ones, especially those who avoid the Calvinist self-description."
Yea, those unseasoned Calvinists who identify themselves as Calvinists like Sproul, White, and Phil Johnson need to lose that label and become less "zealous" ;-)
P W Hatcher said,
"I prefer to call it Sovereign Grace, because I am leery of anything that ends in an "ism"."
So, you do not believe in "monotheism," "trinitarianism," etc.? :-)
I wish I was this creative.
I can't stop laughing!
I just deleted this post... but it was a hoot!!!
Calvinist_Gadfly said... So, you do not believe in "monotheism," "trinitarianism," etc.? :-)
Okay, you pedant, you know what I meant. Let me regroup.
I prefer to call it Sovereign Grace, because I am leery of words that begin with a man's name and ends in an "ism".
26. you think Goggle's common grace doesn't extend to a search for John Calvin because you get different results everytime, including critic's sites.
Tom, I have a moral dilemma whenever I see any Christian (Calvinist or not) has filled out the astrological sign in their Blogger profile.
Marc, how about a hangman spoof for the five points? T_ _ I P and I'd be hung
Great stuff! When I was in Bible College in Memphis, TN back in the late '70s, I was wrestling with Reformed Theology. My roommate offered some well intentioned advice when he said, "All I know is that everyone I know who has become a Calvinist always starts smoking and drinking and cussing".
I told him that I didn't smoke.
Enjoyed reading your photo essay :)
Yours in Christ,
John
www.GodSci.org
As a semi-Pelagian living in Moscow, Idaho I bear witness of the spot on hilarity of this obsession. By the way, I freely chose to respond.
Oracle,
You just think you freely chose to respond.
Actually, God ordained before the foundation of the world that you would respond as you just did.
That is hilarious!
Just regarding the last two comments, which were the only ones I've read... I hope that neither of you gentlemen mean to suggest by your words here that, in staring one another down over the fence, the two sides ought to resort to a "yeah-huh!" "nuh-uh!" manner of contention?
You're in 'Tonka? As in the Lake of Vikings parties? Our church is in Minnetonka. Its a good, solid, and real Reformed (meaning, Presbyterian) church.
Visit me and two of my favorite cronies at www.thehighpost.com/weblog
The Wino
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